When was the last time that God came out and summoned a dude to sacrifice his son on top of a mountain? Why would he change his forte all of a sudden? I’m just saying – homeboy needs to get back on top of his game. Play some tricks on all these atheist motherfuckers walking around all pompous and logical and shit. Where is Yahweh to show his face in the burning bong, proselytize some additional commandments for a new millennia – after all, some shit has changed; we’re all globalized capitalists now and it’s all false idolatry – so where are the new rules and regulations that we need to all abide by? Like:
Thou Shalt Not register as a Republican now that Intellectual Conservatives have all gone the way of the dodo (that would have stuck around outside of the rapture timeline if only Bloomberg allowed us all to smoke again…)
Thou Shalt Not plead innocent because no one’s going to believe you anyway
Thou Shalt Not replace hard earned grammar for a vocabulary found in text-messaging
Thou Shalt Not stop a man from choosing between death and a life sentence of killing inside of a gray-painted penitentiary in order to abide by the savage politics of either being the rapist or the victim while having your animal-tested meals supplied for you like slow arsenic by tax payers who hate you blindly and watch Glee marathons that they’ve recorded on their DVRs
Thou Shalt Not stop me from smoking a joint on a stoop in a more and more pretentious Brooklyn (I don’t care how many galleries you can stuff into a warehouse): in the same neighborhood where I used to get stopped for being white in an yet-ungentrified Hispanic East New York; where I had a friend named Pinky who sold me bags of Off-E at cost (nearly for him, not his suppliers) at $8 a bag and sometimes offered me a couch to nod on for a nastily unimportant week spent in nihilistic self-aggrandizement (I had some grand thoughts on that couch, cheaper than a shrink, with no one accusing me of wanting to fuck my mother)
I don’t know.
Personally, I’m not an atheist – but what’s up with the goddamn Genesis God? That badass Old Testament mamajama full of vengeance and sulfuric rain. The one scared of words (a lá blasphemy), worried about his twitter followers and throwing down some plagues on sanded sadists (yet Ahmadinejad is still chilling without any frogs or locusts parting his barber-school discount coiffure)?
I’m just saying… we’re still a religiously divisive country – but, why? What the fuck?! I’m satirizing Goethe now (more Marlowe and Berlioz, but still), but I know that when I get to portraying God as a black homeless man with more wisdom than the canon, I’m going to get railroaded by the evangelists and the Orthodox wannabe contestants of IFC’s Beard Wars. I’m not even counting the undereducated, illiterate bastards that would picket Sesame Street if a hack like Dan Brown wrote an episode.
What I’m saying is that I’m really lonely, man.
Really. Help me out. Hook me up. Give me some of that good shit.
Show me something that would make feel as alive as I did before. Give me some simple gift that would make me capable to cathect anything besides the shadow of some ancient lover that they used to make music for, that used to flaunt her body in front of me dressed in nothing but smoke and her purple, cotton Fruit of the Loom underwear.
The reason that I still believe in God? In that omniscient, omnipresent, omnibenevolent (a continent on this planet has a third of its populace dying from an immunodeficiency virus, but that’s old news to the non-believers) being – rather, I believe in some sort of cumulating power, energy, conglomeration that put this fucking engine in motion billions of years ago so that we could evolve from single-celled organisms into sentient creatures that were able to fuck up on our own – I believe in It because I fucking have to. Because I want to believe that something wants me to go on a talk show somewhere (because that’s the way that information gets around nowadays) and explain why everyone is wrong: why Republicans are expendable, why homosexual marriage is not an encroachment on a dying middle class family idyll, why if you still believe the bible to be literal you would have to have some slaves (and, no, they ain’t gonna be black – so the Southern bigots can all stop preaching and wishing and look to which of their overall-wearing, toothy neighbors looks hefty enough to pull a buggy likely full of corn subsidies) that they’re willing to beat to an inch of their life and be willing to put their women out camping in the backyard every time aunt flow comes to town, why I don’t care if you’re worried about your values when people in this country are unemployed, hungry, but still sticking it out because they think that someone might have a solution (fuck no), why writing a decent script is more than putting good lines in pretty women’s mouths, why we might understand one another and allow each other time to grow instead of massacring those that believe in fabulist notions other than our own, why we might see that the system that we’ve progressed into is controlled by those that were as coincidentally rich as they were coincidentally Christian, why I think suicide is laughably illegal in this country, why no member of the Jersey Shore deserves a book deal, why there shouldn’t be a why anymore, why I have to drink in order to remain sane and tranquil enough to write, why I believe in a truly free press, in truly free speech, why I think that liberalism doesn’t mean fucking political correctness, why I think that we need to legalize heroin in order for people to stop snorting bath salts, why I think that Kanye is a Mozart-like genius of our generation, why I just want a girl who wants to bunker in with me to watch old Woody Allen films (especially the early funny ones) and laugh at serious paranoia and drink wine and fuck and not care that the world and the culture that built it is crumbling around us as though we were all just pompous Remuses in a Roman creation myth.