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A Few Things That I’ve Learned in Life

 
 -         Don’t escape this world a charlatan – live by your principles and when it’s time for the encore the crowd will surely applaud.

 

-         It’s hard for rich people to also be good people, so go easy on them, and try to take as much of their money as possible.

 

-         Don’t be a selfish lover. Make her cum. She’ll enjoy it. And if you’re with a woman you never want to feel like a bitter alternative to a good book and a vibrator.

 

-         Never fear death. It is the only way out, homeboy.

 

-         You don’t have to be political – you just shouldn’t be a Republican after 1933. Rush Limbaugh might taste like fried chicken and Oxycontin, but that doesn’t mean you should eat his shit.

 

-         Keep reading. You won’t know how much it meant to you until it’s gone. Buy your children a copy of The Little Prince and read it to them every night they request it, even if they’re Zooey’s age.

 

-         The spammers in the Peoples Republic of China are humorless assholes who for no reason obsess about pawning off bootleg Louis Vuitton.

 

-         Every time you think your life is changing, it’s not – it’s just unto another miserable peg in the cycle, a new rest area along the highway.

 

-         Never date someone who’s never experimented with drugs; odds out that they are bound to become the most humorless person that you know.

 

-         If your hands are covered in gasoline – it’s time to start a fire. Figuratively.

 

-         Don’t forget that business is business – it’s not personal, except when it becomes personal and all shit breaks loose.

 

-         Never buy heroin from a dude who calls himself Murder Junkie Mike despite never having played with GG Allin.

 

-         Forget to shave as often as possible.

 

-         If you’re a white kid who grew up in suburbia, don’t call anyone a “nigga” until you’ve tried out your power of report door to door at the Polo Grounds (2927 Frederick Douglass Boulevard). 

 

-         There are many fewer wise men out there than you think, but some of them really know their shit.

 

-         Don’t ache when you don’t have to – but sanity is overrated, just try to skip the EST.

 

-         If you feel like an existentialist stranger in the world, go watch Francis Ford Coppola’s Rumble Fish and Dennis Hopper will explain everything to you. Acute perception, motherfucker!

 

-         Fuck what people say: forget where you come from as soon as possible.

 

-         Live by your principles. Don’t worry if people call you an Idiot (a lá Dostoevsky) – just don’t be an asshole.

 

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