A Few Things That I’ve Learned in Life

30 Sep


A Few Things That I’ve Learned in Life

Don’t escape this world a charlatan – live by your principles and when it’s time for the encore the crowd will surely applaud.


It’s hard for rich people to also be good people, so go easy on them, and try to take as much of their money as possible.


Don’t be a selfish lover. Make her cum. She’ll enjoy it. And if you’re with a woman you never want to feel like a bitter alternative to a good book and a vibrator.


Never fear death. It is the only way out, homeboy.


You don’t have to be political – you just shouldn’t be a Republican after 1933. Rush Limbaugh might taste like fried chicken and Oxycontin, but that doesn’t mean you should eat his shit.


Keep reading. You won’t know how much it meant to you until it’s gone. Buy your children a copy of The Little Prince and read it to them every night upon request, even if they’re Zooey’s age past precociousness.


The spammers in the Peoples Republic of China are irresolute assholes who for no reason obsess about pawning off bootleg Louis Vuitton.


Every time you think your life is changing, it’s not – it’s just unto another miserable peg in the cycle, a new rest area along the highway.


Never date someone who’s never experimented with drugs; odds out that they are bound to become the most humorless person that you know.


If your hands are covered in gasoline – it’s time to start a fire. Figuratively. Maybe.


Don’t forget that business is business – it’s not personal, except when it becomes personal and all shit breaks loose.


Never buy your heroin from a dude who calls himself “Murder Junkie Mike”, despite never having played with GG Allin; who makes you stand outside of a Duane Reed in Midtown in a snowstorm, waiting, getting sick. That fucker is getting high right now and cutting up the shit to the point where it won’t do you any good when you eventually worm the pack from his hands.


Forget to shave as often as possible.


If you’re a white kid who grew up in suburbia, don’t call anyone a “nigga” until you’ve tried out your power of repertoire door to door at the Polo Grounds (2927 Frederick Douglass Boulevard for those of you who need directions). Don’t forget to tell Ma’ Selma in apartment 15K that Jack recommended her Trinidadian beef stew to you, it’s delicious). 


There are many fewer wise men out there than you think, but some of them really know their shit. All human, nonetheless – and will like yourself, make their own mistakes, in a world where real arbiters do not exist.


Don’t ache when you don’t have to – but remember that sanity is overrated, just try to skip the EST and the straitjacket and the resulting itch.


If you feel like an existentialist stranger in the world, go watch Francis Ford Coppola’s Rumble Fish and Dennis Hopper will explain everything to you. Acute perception, motherfucker!


Fuck what people say: forget where you come from as soon as possible. If you need evidence to support this fact, put on your Gil-Scott Heron vinyl and remind yourself that “home is where the hatred is”.


And, as I said before – live by your principles. Don’t worry if people call you an Idiot (a lá Dostoevsky) – just don’t be an asshole.


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