abstract poisons

18 Sep

———–

abstract poisons

 

I lay in my bed

alone at last

and thought to myself of things unpardonable:

 

Carbonized narcissism taken too seriously. False claims to empathy – darling, you are not an empathet because the homeless make you cry a few nickels from your purse – that is simply your ego attempting to purify itself, trying to distinguish the spoiled, capricious monstrosity that it has become as that which still feels for flesh, and knows how to change its robes.

True empathy requires sacrifice and the ability to blame yourself entirely. You need to excoriate yourself of this perspective that you’ve manufactured for yourself in the dark with the television on and strive to rebuild. This communion doesn’t suit you, just be honest.

A gilded, diamonded carapace to jump into is all you’ll find when you’ll try to refine your skin. Wear it slowly. Surely, the mountain is far. I’ll try not to look.

You wear two faces simultaneously. As a matter of fact, now that I think of it – I never really liked lilies anyway. They tend to be too expensive, and they wane far too hurriedly.

 

Don’t grow bored, darling

play with your toys again

then hatch your plans to take over the world

if anybody can do it, I know you can

 

Orange. Orange skin. Orange peeled.

So begins my new novel. Don’t worry, I’m fully aware that I haven’t finished the first one yet. But I’m trying to perfect it like Biggie’s first record – the ending has to have the protagonist die, waiting on a sequel to attempt the resurrection. Life after death.

But, it’s just like anything else: never trust the sober man in the bar. And if they threw you off your job because you had cloudy piss, ask them what they do to get through the day.

Gliding away through the summer heat, I remember how lovely the water looked outside my window when you were still here, and I had first begun to write the book as a longwinded apology for myself and this world I inherited and put you in. There didn’t seem to be an alternative.

Maybe now we’ll find one on our own.

 

There was someone I wanted to introduce you to

she had a wide smile, so I kissed her teeth

and then tried to trade places with her tragedy

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